There have been two different legal cases in the news lately that have challenged my understanding of how the legal process works. Can one of you legal scholars (or armchair legal scholars, in the case of everyone except ET2 and Turdhurdler) explain this to me?
Posted on October 21st, 2010 Filed in: Politics/Economics
Posted on December 22nd, 2008 Filed in: Uncategorized
Two weeks ago, in an elevator (again), someone turned to me and asked
“Are you that guy from that movie?”
I hate this question and inevitably expected a reference to Doctor Octopus or Spider-Man 3.
Inspired by an article on a forthcoming Woody Allen Movie, I took charge of this story and altered it:
“Yes the dude with the bowl cut and the air gun. People say that to me all the time. I take it as a compliment”
Of course, I was making reference to Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men who is a much better looking guy than Alfred Molina and gets to do some three way action with Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in Vicki Christina Barcelona
Anyway, that’s my new story, I’m sticking to it….
Posted on August 16th, 2008 Filed in: Life
Start watching at 1:02…John stops interviewing Roger and proceeds to hug him.
At the 1:44 mark, John stops the interview, to pick a piece of lint off of Nadal.
What’s going on here?
Posted on July 10th, 2008 Filed in: Life
I was mucking around with a summer playlist on a rainy saturday afternon.
It takes a pretty long ride over the course of it, starting very electric picking up some tempo, then slowing down again…It may seem a bit chaotic but this is what i am listening to right now…I always go a little more electric in the summer…
I have to admit a couple of things
I am really enjoying the new moby…what is it, 1999?
Book club – you will really enjoy that adele song methinks…
That cover of the Bee Gees Inside and Out by Feist is pretty strong
The “She and Him” is totally forced much the way I try to force “nyotaimori” into every conversation..
Posted on June 28th, 2008 Filed in: Entertainment
This was neck and neck for a week between the xtian/evil pairing and the sparks/xtian pairing. Somehow though in the last 12 hours the xtian/evil pairing came out ahead.
Evil once showed me how you could “stuff the ballot box” so to speak.
I wonder, did Evil manipulate these results? Is Evil trying to tell me something?
Posted on June 26th, 2008 Filed in: Life
I really love this song, Antony from “Antony and the Johnsons” on vocals
Posted on June 24th, 2008 Filed in: Entertainment
I had the weirdest experience in the gym today. I have been working out a lot lately, striving to get back into California shape for my eventual triumphant return to the only place I have ever enjoyed living, outside of Sao Paolo. People stop and say I am starting to look good generally, and I appreciate their courtesy, but they’re wrong. Right now, I look like a guy who played high school football and was in great shape then went to college and drank and pot smoked thru life for the next 8 years and now its now…The upside is that, by my math I look 26, just a “hard lived” 26.
But I digress, in the locker room, I walk around naked. I do I don’t care. The unwritten rules is that this is totally allowed so long as we as a community of males who work out focus on whats on him as opposed to looking around. As a result I can walk around with out too much stress. While undressing post workout, I noticed that this brother over my left shoulder was a little to into my movement.
As I walked by, en route to the shower, he held his gaze like it was ok. As I got to the stalls, I had a new thought, what if he’s trying to steal my stuff? I race back and decide to weigh myself, so I can see if he’s at my locker…he’s not, he’s still sitting there shirtless staring at me “you dropping some weight?”
Ah, he’s a trainer, he’s going to hard sell me on working out with him. Odd place to approach a guy I thought but whatever…”lil bit” I said.
He just looked at me and nodded a bit, like he understood, all the while evaluating me, looking me up and down…
Unnerved by the voyeurism, I took a shower, I can see the hand towel dispenser from my shower and looking out I saw him again standing at the hand towel dispenser and staring at me till I noticed him. Then he quickly vanished.
This was getting m-f-ing weird!
As I put on my jeans (my pair of f-me jeans…the only ones in the world that really make my butt look good) I turned around, he was backing out of the locker room looking at me.
What the f*ck?
Posted on October 22nd, 2007 Filed in: Life
(Editor’s Note: In my last post, I started telling all of you how I went to visit some old friends of mine up in Rochester, MN. Its big claim to fame is that the town is the home of the Mayo Clinic where my friends are doctors. This is a recap of Day 0-1 of the trip)
I finally get to Ike & Ella’s house where my friend Ike gives me the nickel and dime tour and shows me to the room where I am going to be staying. As soon as you walk in, you know my friend Ella had a hand in it. You see, my friend Ella is a neat freak. She is super clean. Everything is into little neat piles. She probably won’t admit it but I think she even irons the baby’s diapers.
After my long flight and I just want to get to bed but that can’t happen until I spend at least 5 minutes taking all the pillows down from the bed. I finally hop into bed where I then have to fight with the sheets. Those sheets are tucked in as tight as Yakov’s behind on Castro Street…
I wake up and decide to take one of my weekly baths. I ask for some soap and my friend Ella gives me one of those shower gels. She seemed to have memorized the packaging because as she hands it to me, she tells that the soap is for clean skin that looks and feels soft and healthy. She tells me that it provides abundant, creamy lather and contains nourishing vitamin E, pro-vitamin B5, white tea and shea butter. It is also designed to work with the warmth and humidity of the shower to maximize the moisture delivered to your skin and leaves skin feeling soft and smooth long after you leave the shower. Also, its vanilla fragrance transports you to a place of deep comfort. What the hell! Just give me a damn solid bar of soap woman…
Anyway, I spend the day playing with the baby and the neighborhood kids until the evening when we go to the “fancy” Mexican restaurant in town (by the way, there is only one other Mexican restaurant in town) to meet up with a friend who is having a going away party and was moving back to Ecuador (they are everywhere. I think Ecuadorians are worse than Mexicans). I engage in conversation with two young ladies who had joined the festivities a bit later than everybody else. We were never formally introduced but a friend of my friend is a friend of mine…
I was regaling them with stories about my life in Miami and how close my place is to the beach and how I went to Ike & Ella’s wedding in Peru and how you wouldn’t need any Viagra in Lake Titicaca (hehehe…Titicaca). I can yarn a pretty good tale when I want and they were eating everything up. How could they not? I was a burst of fresh air in that 2 Mexican restaurant town…
At one point, we were posing for pictures and I licked the Japanese girl by mistake…when she didn’t recoil in horror or anything, I took it as a sign that things were going well. The conversation on the table then drifted to the oncoming county fair. I mentioned that the 5 story corn (tallest structure in town) looks like a freaking dildo. The two young ladies smiled and giggled like silly little schoolgirls…then they mentioned that sometimes “corn” is all you have to do in that town. That was the second sign and I knew then it was on….I went in for the kill and told them I couldn’t wait for them to take me out in the town and show me what they usually do with “corn”.
They were going dancing that night and invited me to come along. We were expected somewhere else and not to seem overly anxious, I told them I wouldn’t join them that night since but that I would see them later in the week….Everyone went their separate ways…A day or two days later, when I asked my friend Ike for the girls info, he told me he didn’t know them. He asked his other friends…they didn’t know them either. It seems that the only person who knew them was incommunicado on his way to a forsaken South American country and would remain so during my stay…I never found out what they did with “corn” in Rochester, MN.
P.S. – Later in that same evening, and in the most interesting turns of events, I proposed to a man. He made the most delicious and well seasoned steak I have ever had and in a moment of orgasmic ecstasy, I proposed marriage…I never got a reply…
Posted on August 13th, 2007 Filed in: Uncategorized
i just spent the last thirty minutes looking up Dashboard Confessional Live performances…
True Story, this is the bumpasaurus’ favorite band. He knows all the words to Screaming Infidelities…What a girl…
Posted on August 13th, 2007 Filed in: Life
It started over a week ago…I had just joined Facebook and did not know what to do so i just started looking around. Not knowing what to do I took the opportunity to “poke” several people.
One person poked back! I poked her back. She poked me back…after some of this she sent me a message
“Do I know you? Why are you poking me?” but in an engaged way.
and she was cute and she was interesting and well read and smart and pretty and from the south so when I read her messages I imagined reese witherspoon voice overs. It was great we would talk books and the world and life…loved it. Then she stopped writing. I was mad with anticipation. What would happen next? Did that last joke come off wrong? What do I do now?
After a few days I was having dinner with my old roommate. The book, The Omnivore’s Dilemma came up…and i quickly shot her a message asking if she had read it…she had and quickly gave me a recap then admitted she had to run back to work (at 1152 pm?)
How do i get her to a bar?
Posted on August 2nd, 2007 Filed in: Life
I have been working with a buyer who is interested in buying a sizable chunk of my project. The lawyers have to fix some minor line items in the contract but the deal has been agreed upon on principle. The developer wanted to meet this buyer so he invited the buyer, his Realtor and me to his house for cocktails.
I have been in this house and it’s the house I want when I finally have some money. This house was designed, built and decorated by the developer himself. It has an open floor plan. The whole first floor is open with no dividing walls so you can see everything and everybody whether you are the kitchen, or the dining room or the living room. You have huge windows all around so you can see the backyard or the people jogging by. Anyway, we are engaging in small talk when this super cute 6-7 year old girl with long flowing black hair wearing a light pink swimming trunk with lots of flowers and a dark pink shirt comes running in. She shyly waves hello to everybody when she is introduced as Andy and immediately starts to play with two Labradors that were lying by the pool.
After 5-10 minutes the little girl gets tired of playing with the dogs and sits next to me. I have always been great with kids so I kind of engage in small talk but no reaction. This is expected because she doesn’t know me and probably has been properly taught not to talk to strangers. She just looks down at her feet and after a minute or two, she leaves again. As she opens the door, the dogs sneak into the house and run towards me. They already know me from my previous visits so they just jump on me hoping that I will play with them…I borrow a tennis ball little Andy has and throw it a couple of times. The kid and I start then start playing catch having the dogs go back and forth between us.
It seemed as if the dogs had vouched for me because all of a sudden the little girl started talking to me. She told me how she went fishing and caught a lobster with her hands and how she swam with the dolphins that morning and how…….All of a sudden, I became her best friend…
It also seems our host has his door always open because other kids and adults are coming in, saying hello, hanging out for 3-5 minutes or giving each other the heads up as to the next event and walking right out…At one point, we transition to the kitchen where our host is going crazy on his Viking stove while we are munching on cheese and olives and engaging in chit chat. Everyone is exchanging recipes and I let everyone what a mean piña colada I can make, or succulent roast pork or how I make the best mango salsa ever…
As this is going on, I hear the front door open and someone else walks into the kitchen and says: “My kid loves mango salsa…You MUST give me the recipe”
I am always very protective of my recipes so I jokingly answer to the group in a very serious tone…”No, I will not give you my recipe…I don’t give my recipes to just ANYONE…I guess I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.”
No one laughs at my joke. Maybe it wasn’t funny but they could have given me a pity laugh or something. I turn around and I am looking at the Godfather III himself. I am a huge Godfather fan and have seen the movies a gazillion times (even Godfather III which is not even on the same scale as the first two…freaking whiny Sofia Coppola messed up the movie…)
Anyway, I digress….I am looking at none other than Vincent Mancini…It is freaking Andy Garcia in matching pink shorts with one of those old Cuban straw hats and Harry Potter glasses…
He just looks at me funny and walks away without even giving me a chance to say I was joking. He goes on to sit in the dining room by himself. Our host then proceeds to tell us how he has been friends with Andy since 1972 and how they play the drums together and how they try to keep up with Arturo Sandoval to no avail…He is obviously proud of his friendship with Andy and talks of their days back in high school…
The little girl comes in yelling “daddy” and sits on Mr. Garcia’s lap. I am glad I spent those 10-15 minutes talking to the kid because the kid will now smooth any ruffle feathers between me and Mr. Garcia…They just need some quiet time….father and daughter…father will ask the daughter what she has been up to and she will say she was playing catch with me and the dogs and how much fun she had…I need this conversation to happen so the guy doesn’t think I am a total douche bag.
This conversation is interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone which is on the dining room table where Mr. Garcia is sitting with his daughter. Again, huge Godfather fan so if you haven’t heard my ring tone before, you can guess what it is. It is the actual Godfather theme music…As I am walking towards the table, Mr. Garcia grabs the phone and hands it to me while giving me a very quizzical look.
The rest of the night progressed with Mr. Garcia and I keeping our distance even though we were less than 3 feet from each other. After a few more drinks and more chit chat, it was time to say our goodbyes. Mr. Garcia was being polite when he gave me his hand. I knew it and he knew it but that was okay because the lovely little girl Andy came out of whatever corner she was hiding out to become my savior. She comes to tell me how one of the dogs licked her in the face and that she will show me pictures of her lobster and…I see a smile forms in the proud father’s face…
I start to apologize about the mango salsa and proceed to tell him that if I knew that the mango salsa was for his kid, I would have given to him in a heartbeat because of such a lovely kid. I tell him how she and I became best friends and how she told me how she caught a lobster and how she swam with the dolphins and…
His smile is gone…his eyes narrow…his jaw clenches…his lips move…
“SHE IS A HE…HE IS A BOY….”
Posted on July 21st, 2007 Filed in: Uncategorized
How black is xTian?
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