We all know I have a small love affair with the town of Hoboken.We also know that Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day scares the sh*t out of me – too many drunken white people for my tastes.

In all seriousness, watching a girl unzip her pants and do #1 in between two cars was something I probably would have paid for in 1998. Now the whole thing feels a little sad.

Thankfully, I am not alone! Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer, after a St. Patricks day that included 34 arrests, a sea of drunken guidos in green shirts and a far too many under dressed drunk girls at 11am when I was cruising to the gym, has announced that Hoboken St. Patrick’s day is now being moved to a Wednesday next year – in some vain attempt to limit the carnage.

Posted on March 9th, 2011 Filed in: Life, Politics/Economics Tags: Douche, hoboken, scary white people

Oh No!

Tiki is coming out of retirement! We now have something to write about! (Assuming there is football next year).

The Giants still own his rights! Will Giants fans (who boo him incessantly) accept him? Will they ship him? Why is he coming back? Is he tired of his new younger woman already? So many questions

Posted on March 8th, 2011 Filed in: Sports Tags: Douche, tiki barber

This weekend is Carnival on the Mile, a 3 day street fair that happens once a year. Anyway, after the festivities for tonight ended, I stopped at the local bar for one last drink.

I sat at the bar and not soon thereafter, 4 young buxomly ladies from the new Hooters restaurant sat next to me in an otherwise empty bar. I consider myself one of those “the sun is always shining on me” people but I was surprised as the next guy.

Don’t know if it was my new geeky watch (which is a total chick magnet) or the fact that they overheard me telling a friend the brother getting engaged story but soon the ice was broken and I was doing tequila shots with one of the girls.

To make a long story short, I ended up having sex with her in an alleyway as I walked her to the car no more than 30 minutes after our first exchange of words. At no point did we exchange names, phone numbers, Twitter handle or anything of that nature…

Why am I telling you this?

1) I  am telling everybody…I am sure it is more sex than what xTian or Evil have been getting…

2) Wasn’t Tiger Woods banging Hooters waitresses? I am only missing a couple of adult film stars and I am in same league as Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen give or take a couple of million dollars…

3) Not counting the incident at the Minneapolis airport in 2007, I haven’t had anonymous sex since 2005…

and the main reason I am telling you this is to seek your advice…

4) Should I be like Charlie Sheen and chalk this up as a win and leave it as is or should I be going to the local hooters and try to track her down even if all I have to go by is her tramp stamp???

Posted on March 6th, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags: clueless about women, Douche, feeling like a champ, girls, Manolo

Hi all,

Don’t know if you remember me but I used to post here every now and then…Anyway, big news to share with everybody…

MORE after the jump…

Posted on March 3rd, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags: Douche, Manolo, that's so wrong

photo © 2007 Clyde Robinson | more info(via: Wylio)

Ladies and gentleman, we officially have  Douche of the Week dynasty.

Unsurprisingly, the title goes to Keith Olbermann. After knowingly breaking rules that his employers clearly defined (you can argue whether the rule has merit or not, but the fact is, it was a defined rule), he issues this douchy demand for an apology via a third party:

“Keith is furious about the way this has all been handled and insisted that MSNBC bosses apologize to him before he would agree to return,” a network insider tells me. “Keith sees himself as the star of MSNBC, the person who put them on the map and discovered fellow network anchors Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell. To be treated like this by the network he helped shape, he considers disgusting.”

Considers disgusting?

Dude, can you possibly take yourself more seriously?

Posted on November 8th, 2010 Filed in: Politics/Economics Tags: dbag of the week, Douche

George Lopez is ripping us off! The Hose’s Intellectual Property department has found out that George Lopez has started his own “Write Your Own Caption” feature. What a minute, you a-hole! You know who own the rights to that feature? The Hose! Our lawyers are going to go after you so hard, you’ll wish you were being chased by the INS instead.

Side note- My caption for the above photo:

“Having never read Hansel and Gretel as a child, young Xtian falls into the classic trap and gets fattened up in preparation to be eaten.”

Posted on October 20th, 2010 Filed in: Life Tags: Douche

Repeat offender!

America’s douche, Tiki Barber is back! As you know, the Giants have not been sharp coming out of the gate this year and as a result there is a lot of anxiety in Giants land. MORE after the jump…

Posted on September 30th, 2010 Filed in: Life Tags: dbag of the week, Douche, How to Be a Douche

If you watch ESPN’s Around The Horn, you already know that Jay Mariotti (above) is a douche on any given day. But after he got arrested for a “domestic incident” this past weekend, Jay Mariotti wins the Douche of the Day award. For good measure, we’ll give him the award for the entire week.

Posted on August 24th, 2010 Filed in: Sports Tags: Douche, jay mariotti

As we all know, I cannot sit through a baseball game without trying to kill myself but for some reason I find the draft compelling.

This year with their first pick, the Washington Nationals selected this fellow – Bryce Harper. He is sort of interesting for a few reasons.

• He is a Boras client (read high douche bag potential)
• He takes education serious – I mean who else drops out of high school so he can take the GED and enroll in JR College right away
• Mostly important, there is a 75% chance that he is the son of the Ultimate Warrior (for proof, see the face paint). We all know how big a dbag Warrior was (I mean he changed his legal name to Warrior – wtf?) so anyone who patterns himself after this guy must be full of TUDP (Tremendous Upside Dbag Potential).

I already hate this kid and hope he drops dead sooner rather than later.  Given that Stephen Strasburg (the Nationals 2009 1st pick) had his major league debut last night, I think it’s safe to say that we will find ample opportunity to label him dbag of the week at some point in the next 13-14 months

Posted on June 9th, 2010 Filed in: Sports Tags: dbag of the week, Douche

I am sure almost everyone here has seen or read how a most imperfect call ended Armando Galarraga’s  bid for a perfect game. We all know that poor Jim Joyce (supposedly related to James Joyce) will have a prominent place in the pantheon of botched calls. We all know that poor Austin Jackson will no longer have his catch be immortalized alongside the perfect game.

What no one is talking about is how we can all blame Miguel Cabrera! The ball Jason Donald hit was a routine ground ball between first base and second base. It seems Miguel Cabrera felt he had a play and went for it, clearly cutting in front of second baseman Carlos Guillen. Had Guillen been able to field the ball, he would have thrown to first, gotten the third out and all the people aforementioned would be going on their merry ways…For that Miguel, you are our Douche of the Week…

The position that instant replay should be available gains new fervor today…whether it should be enacted or not, that is a question for another day…I just hope Bud Selig does the right thing and award the kid the perfect game…and if not, the Tigers and MLB should do something really classy…if it had been me, I would have punched Joyce in the face…

In another baseball related note, goodbye Ken Griffey Jr.!!! See you in Cooperstown!!!

Posted on June 3rd, 2010 Filed in: Sports Tags: dbag of the week, Douche, Manolo, Sparks=Wrong, Sports

I get my hair cut at this Russian barber shop near my apartment. Why? Because it’s very close by, it’s fast, and it’s cheap. I mean, all I need is for someone to take a buzzer and put it to my head. Nothing fancy-schmancy needed. And indeed, nothing fancy-schmancy is to be had at this place. The Russian dudes barely speak any English. Their shears and buzzers look rusty. And I’m pretty sure their blue barber disinfectant liquid hasn’t been changed in years.

The Hose’s Hipster Douche Of The Week Award goes to the guy who was getting his hair cut next to me. Specifically, for his whiny, nearly-breaking-out-into-tears rant, “Oh, my, God! Look what you did. I asked for a fauxhawk. FAUX. HAWK. Do you even know what that means? Look what you did. Now it’s too short. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t even know what to do! What should I do now? Oh, my, God.”

Dude, the barbers barely speak English. They charge $12 for a haircut. I don’t go into Teriyaki Boy and try to order Miso Black Cod.

I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Posted on May 16th, 2010 Filed in: Life Tags: Douche, How to Be a Douche

Ever since I found out a new iPhone was coming out this summer, I have been cutting down on my expenses so I could afford to buy one. After Steve Jobs leaked the phone, I have taken my penny pinching to the extreme.

Manolo, you may ask, is your economic situation so dire that you can’t afford a $199-$299 phone? It is dire when you you are saving so you can cover your iPhone and iPad (which I am also buying) in gold-coated Swarovski crystals…

If you don’t think splurging $1,000 for an iPhone case was decadent enough, bling-my-thing.com offers”Golden Age,” a Macbook Air covered in 12,000 gold-coated Swarovski crystals.

Ah, douchebaggery comes at a cost. Specifically, $40,000…

Posted on April 29th, 2010 Filed in: Life Tags: dbag of the week, Douche, Moral judgment upon thee

One or two of you may be wondering what I have been up to…Most are not and don’t really care. I will tell you anyway. I have been licking my wounds…

You see, I suffered grievous injury to my feelings and have been unable to write anything without crying. You see,  comment #7 on my Male Pattern Baldness post really hurt. No matter what online dictionary I used, smarmy came across as seriously negative.

MORE after the jump…

Posted on April 27th, 2010 Filed in: Life Tags: Douche, Manolo, that's so wrong

The New York Times photo editor often takes a beating, but I gotta give him (or her?) due kudos today.

For an article titled “The Man Baseball Loves To Hate“, they chose the perfect photograph! How douchy does A-Rod look in that photo? Answer: 1000% douche!

Posted on April 24th, 2010 Filed in: Sports Tags: arod, Douche

I’m not exactly sure what Goldman Sachs did, but I’m going to morally judge the entire firm nevertheless. You douches! Thanks for potentially creating another global financial crisis.

Posted on April 17th, 2010 Filed in: Politics/Economics Tags: dbag of the week, Douche, Moral judgment upon thee