I remember coming of age in the late 90s thinking that Asian women were under siege – constantly fending off attacks from hairy, cheesy white guys. It resembled the fall of Rome as much as anything.
Posted on April 18th, 2011 Filed in: Life
I was set up on a date, that happened last night. I thought it was great. If something more interesting becomes of it I will post more. In the interim, I figured I would share this. I totally had this song stuck in my head the whole evening.
Posted on April 7th, 2011 Filed in: Life
Two Fridays ago, I went to a party that a former coworker organized. When she invited me, she made it quite clear that “single woman would be there” so I figured i would need a wing man. Given that my friend was a small cute Asian, I asked Evil first, promising Asian chicks. He politely declined. So instead, my standard wing man, L3, joined in. MORE after the jump…
Posted on December 22nd, 2010 Filed in: Life
As I watched “127 Hours” I thought back to “Into The Wild” quite a bit.
I thought “Into The Wild” was pretty and cool and all that but the film, much like the book, suffered in my eyes because Christopher McAndless was a major league, self involved to a fault, douche.
So I braced myself t struggle with “127 Hours” but was willing to go. Boy was I glad I did. Several good things to discuss MORE after the jump…
Posted on December 7th, 2010 Filed in: Entertainment
So apparently, I am conscientiously trying to develop a fetish for tall women.
Posted on October 25th, 2010 Filed in: Life
So I met a chick last Tuesday. She was surprisingly tall and surprisingly cool (for a Latina not named KillerB#2 anyway). We had a nice time, she was a good person. When she smiled she reminded me of someone I used know, someone i wanted to kiss when I was young. MORE after the jump…
Posted on July 29th, 2010 Filed in: Life
Things have been quiet on the Date Or Die front since my last discussion with Evil during episode 16 of the Hosecast. I have been on several dates but they have been quite dull. I am not sure why but I have a couple of theories.
Posted on April 6th, 2010 Filed in: Life
A few questions for Hosers out there. If you are dating someone, at what point should you either assume you are in an exclusive relationship or ask about exclusivity? A friend thinks that if you go below the belt you better be exclusive and drop all men (or women) in the wings. I think the default is the other person could always be seeing someone else UNLESS you ask! Also it’s unfair that women have to deal with oxytocin.
Posted on March 2nd, 2010 Filed in: Life
In the spirit of McSweeney’s, a Top 10 List of things that may or may not have been said to me while on a date:
10. You look nice– your sweater matches the napkins
9. I have a life coach
8. My stepbrother doesn’t know he’s adopted
7. Kansas, huh. Did you grow up on a farm?*
6. Sorry I didn’t call sooner, I was at a funeral
5. (A joke) What’s white and hides behind a tree?**
4. A tequila shot? I’ve never done that
3. I’ll get this– my teacher’s salary is huge
2. I’m on call and might have to talk someone off a ledge
1. total ambiend= drunk
do you want toi fi-come over for some cuddle/.
*No second date for this bozo
** Answer: shy yogurt
Posted on February 18th, 2010 Filed in: Life
I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.
We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.
The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.
Posted on January 6th, 2010 Filed in: Life
Julia Allison gives digital dating advice on MTV’s It’s On with Alexa Chung! from Julia Allison on Vimeo.
Posted on September 3rd, 2009 Filed in: Life
As we all know, Evil hates white people. However, he LOVES making me feel bad about my supposed “impending whiteness”. He is always shooting comments my way like “that’s how white people act” with minimal prodding. It could be anything – I buy a neat retro train set for my godson – such an act is met with “why are you trying to make this kid white?” I have a party of some sort – “You don’t seem to have many Latino friends.” I go on a date with anyone – “Why do you hate your people? Is it because you hate yourself?” As you can imagine it’s all very annoying.
Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure it’s just a numbers game. If I lived in LA, all my friends would be Latinos. They might also be heroin addicts or possibly hipsters but they would more than likely be brown. Still, I digress…
More…
So I joined some online dating site and I decided this was a great opportunity to target Latinas. Awesome! Two dates in a week; here is a short recap
Target 1:
Someone who looked great on paper –well educated, fun pictures and agreeably spunky – in reality she was something else.
We met at a wine bar which turned out to be overly loud. She was glad to be there but as someone doing some contracting work (she was laid off a year ago) you would think she could show up with a little more enthusiasm. Her energy level was something like negative 3. I can’t deduct a full five points, because she was a good enough sport to take a short walk and we went somewhere for dinner. My food was fine but not great. She was very stuck up and more than a little self involved – the sort of thing an HBS degree and a top tier consulting experience would do to you. I was not that impressed – I like people who take themselves less seriously. Who ever met a serious, stuck up and mildly depressed brazilian? I mean really? I should have figured this would be the case when I saw what she had to say about her ethnicity and how she was from Brazil but white. That’s like code for “I think I’m better than you”. On the positive side (I guess) she had amazing gas -as in she burped a lot, weird. Overall we had a decent time though, her apartment looked awesome. As we parted ways, she mentioned she was going to India for work for a few weeks. I said ok and suspected I would never hear from her again.
Target 2:
My second date was MUCH better. Based on her match handle I guessed her first name and then we discussed where in Ecuador she was from. I sold her on watching the wire, finally we agreed to meet. My dumb ass, because I learn no lessons picked another LOUD BAR. She showed up 1 drink in, we chatted at length but the whole thing felt like the opening round of a boxing match. I had not eaten so we went to a nearby tapas bar and picked at some octopus while we goofed on the racism of Ecuadorian, nailed down whether I was first or second generation (the nature of the debate has to do with the fact that my grandparents also immigrating at the same time as my mother, oh who cares) and a rather long involved conversation about internet privacy and how “safe’ mach.com is. She’s cool, impressive even and somewhat cute. She over used the word analytical, as if to prove to me that that there was logic and reason to being lawyer (yes. I know). She also made a few comments about lawyers, as if finding an opening for goofing on lawyer. I don’t have a problem with lawyers. She’s totally lovely but was having extreme contact lens issues to the point where I asked if she was a little drunk – as in “why are you bulging your eyes at me, are you a little drunk?” I think I battled back from that low. I think we got to the in principle agreement to do something again and soon. She gave me her last name (not an automatic, given her extreme concern about privacy and safety and being googled).
This morning, ET #2 and I googled her *ss as I plotted my next move. The summer of xTian rolls on! I’ve been on two dates in a week! This is a testament to the progress I am making as a person. F you Evil!
Posted on September 3rd, 2009 Filed in: Life
And we’re back. You know its a bad date when I am making a joke about evangelicals (the born agains, y’all), she stops you and clarifies she is also born again and …wait for it…you don’t slow or stop your storytelling at all. How excited can one get about an evangelical who shows up and orders a plate of cheese. As she bored me to tears, I thought back to a list of things I have been entertained by recently.
More…
This guy wins the award for the best sign at these healthcare rallies
Someone gave Michael Moore financing for a new film. This time he takes his fat guy with a bull horn schtick to Wall St. Ummm….hooray? Maybe not
There are basically two people in the world who are glad Brett Favre is back (again) – Chris Berman (the asshole on ESPN who can’t stop coming up with very stupid catchphrases) and John Madden, who probably redirected his stupid bus to Minnesota as soon as he heard the news. No one has told the old codger that he’s done and no one cares about his RV or crazy turducken genetic splicing experiments. I’m just glad that former Favre fluffer and current SI writer, Peter King finally got off the bus.
I really like this song.
This Rick Pitino story is a little tawdry. I’m talking about the table top in the restaurant part of course. It’s a good thing he has classy friends like these to stick up for him. Of course, his friends have problems of their own.
Is it really that hard to figure out if someone is a man or woman?
Next date is Tuesday. Maybe I have something to actually say about that one.
Posted on August 21st, 2009 Filed in: Life
When you told me that you just weren’t “emotionally available for a relationship right now” I had two completely independent reactions
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So you are lying to yourself and simultaneously telling me something completely true. That’s amazing. It’s really sad that you are completely unaware that this admission was the most interesting thing about you. Still. Grow a pair. Tell me what you really think. I’ll go first. Here is a list of flaws you have that I would like to go over in the order in which they annoyed me:
Have a nice life. You’re a perfectly fine person. I just needed to be a total d*ck today. Thanks
Posted on June 15th, 2009 Filed in: Life
In football, there are usually two extremes for the running back position. On one side you have a power running back, sometimes referred to an every down back. This guy tends to be bigger than other running backs and basically always gets 3-4 yards. He wearing down his opponent and eventually being able to make a bigger play. On the other extreme, there are these “change of pace” backs, sometimes considered a scat back; he is usually quicker and smaller than the back on the other extreme. He can basically get by people with his speed and break bigger plays. Unfortunately, he tends to take less punishment. Teams occasionally try to have complimentary guys on their team to keep defenses guessing. The every down back might need a breather so the change of pace back comes in and blows by some tired defenders.
More…
I have always considered myself a power back, able to carry a big load, take the hits and keep coming, eventually wearing some poor woman down. In this analogy my left handed draper is essentially a good stiff arm.
Umm…We are in danger of over-extending this metaphor so I am just going to move on to my point. Sunday, I went on a 6 hour brunch date. This was not my plan so I was not ready. I did not even have my pads on (ok I’ll stop). Normally, brunch is easy. You sit down, you reference the NY Times, eat some eggs, discuss David Gregory vs. George Stephanopolus and you stick your tongue down her mouth. Easy peasy.
Not in this case, this girl makes everything hard. Our first date was like a month ago. We went for drinks at the Modern. She got loaded and I was in the middle of experimenting with sobriety so I got to watch. Which is fun, watching is fun, watching is so fun that I needed to go home and hide and sulk. Meanwhile, before I could regroup she ran off to LA for what was like 2 weeks. Conflicting schedules and a busy workload on both our parts left us trying to have brunch this past Sunday. Normally, I would categorize a second date brunch as a bad sign and usually not worth my time. Only problem is, we kept emailing while she was with her family in LA. Truth is, I went from thinking she was ok to ‘desperately wanting to hold her hand’. I put it in quotes because I actually told this to catjjy using these exact words without realizing it till after I said it.
So I was cautious but hopeful. I was reassured when she phoned me. She was pumped but lost. I gave her some directions. She laughed heartily. As soon as she met me she mentioned to me that she usually enjoyed going to a very specific bar on Sunday afternoons, she thought it would be fun if after brunch we walk from Chelsea to Tribeca and get a few drinks there. She chided me for doing work while I waited for her. Suddenly I was emboldened. Brunch was awesome.
During our walk, she goofed on me endlessly. I had met her at the birthday party for a 1 year old and I admitted that I was friends with the child’s mother from university. I also admitted always found her husband a bit awkward and rejected his overtures of friendship a few years earlier
“Another bromance done in by mild homophobia” she smirked for a solid two blocks. The cheery mood was broken the second I admitted that the west village was hard for me to navigate and I was no longer convinced we were moving south.
Our conversation had to this point been sort of perfect, rapid fire, casual, snappy. It was like something out of Gilmore Girls. We were two hours in, and though still going strong, I noticed I was low on material. Remember, it was supposed to be David Gregory to *ssplay in four easy steps. Unfortunately, the sun was still out (stupid brunch) and I just was not sure the kids playing in the park we cut through needed to see a poorly executed draper. Screw that, I’m an every down running back! I can make this happen.
Once we got to the bar, I was happy about it. The music was cool, and the DJ was fly. The windows were open. There was an off beat crowd, a few hipsters trying to hard, and a couple of brothers chilling in the corner. Just my scene…it reminded me of a post millennial BBQ in Brooklyn.
The better news was that she was actually a regular at this bar. The bartender was getting us drinks and very attentive even as models had to stand around waiting for someone to take their orders. She even knew a few other regulars, not well enough for them to matter but well enough to be part of a conversation. It came out that one was a hip hop photographer. I found myself in a rather involved conversation on mid 90s hip hop where we discussed the merits of the Luniz and took opposing positions on which was the better Pharcyde album (for the record I enjoyed Labcabincalifornia and our new friend took Bizarre ride to the…) . I was convinced this would impress anyone of color from LA. This also gave me what I needed most, more material as I tried to make it to the end.
By this point, I was full on drunk. While I was not paying attention some dude tried to make a play at my date. Who did this erkle looking motherf*cker think he was? Offended, I took the opportunity to dress him down. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in the Black section of a predominately Hispanic community. I know how to make fun of people. Further, I know how to goad others into piling on. Before I knew it, there was 3-4 cats were hurling mocking comments at this dude. Hey, there’s my offensive line. It got so bad I bought him a drink. I am magnanimous in victory. I had officially run out of stuff to talk about, I knew when she brought up “The Real Housewives of New York City” Not knowing what to do I tracked down Erkle and encouraged him to go hit on a model across the way. A desperate move no doubt, but hilarious and worth an addition ten minutes of laughter, she had a surprising mean streak, awesome. Stil, this had turned from awesome chippy conversation bliss of earlier in the day to some bizarre multi-ethnic transgender Mean Girls. I needed to get out of here before things got worse.
I had planted a seed early that I needed to go home and do work. I even had a laptop with me. She agreed it was a good idea to part ways. She reassured me with a smile and promised a Thursday dinner. Progress, slow deliberate progress but progress. No touchdowns, just racking up a lot yards.
Posted on April 21st, 2009 Filed in: Life
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