Now that football season is over (the New York Giants won the Super Bowl) let’s talk basketball.

Ask Sparks: Does benching a player in “foul trouble” make economic sense?

Scenario: College basketball team A is playing college basketball team B. The score is close early in the 4th quarter and Player Tom – a starter and top 3 scorer / defender on the team picks up his 4th foul. One more foul and he is out of the game. The player who replaces him is competent, but plays looser defense and makes a somewhat lower percentage of shots. Player Tom is 19 and can run all day. He doesn’t need a breather.

Should he sit for the next 3-4 minutes of play clock because of his “foul trouble”?

Posted on February 7th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

I'm Perfect

• I cooked a steak for dinner last night, and KB2 told me it was perfect. Just sayin.
• We’ve had barely a whimper of snow so far in NYC – I think we’re going to run the table from here on out, so I’ve printed up 5000 t-shirts that say “NO SNOW FO SHO!” Email me if you want one. $32
• Echoing Mamacita’s observation from several months ago, healthy dudes under age 40 still LOVE sitting on crowded subways in the mornings. These guys just refuse to get up for anyone (and no one is buying the ‘my eyes are closed and I’m fake sleeping which is why I haven’t noticed the old lady with the cane standing in front of me for the last 4 stops’ BS) I get kinda angry about it, and it has nothing to do with me.
• Last Friday I went to a concert alone – does this make me bold and irreverent, or sad and creepy?

Posted on January 30th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

According to the most reputable news organization on the internet, TMZ, Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital after inhaling a whippet. Good gravy! Poor dog!

She deserves to go to jail, not a hospital!

Posted on January 25th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend lately as it relates to our dear friend xTian. Perhaps you’ve noticed it too? I think we’ve all likely been biting our tongues hoping this disturbing behavior would eventually wane, but it hasn’t. So I’ll say it.

xTian is not being faithful to The Hose!

To wit:

• xTian posts Tree of Life critique on The Hose……and again on Facebook
• xTian posts Nada Surf on The Hose…..and again as a link on his gchat handle
• xTian posts about SOPA on The Hose…. and again on Facebook

I hate to re-introduce the ugly topic of “real friends” (please don’t protest Mr. Shoulders), but are we xTian’s real friends? Sparks didn’t put the Manhattan Project on his Facebook page. Evil (thankfully) separates the inanity of his Facebook page from the somewhat inanity of his Hose posts. I didn’t ask the rest of the world to help me solve the ‘how can I better order my coffee puzzle.’ So why can’t xTian be exclusive with us?

Posted on January 25th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

When you order a steak, burger, or most any meat, what is the first thing a waiter asks you?

(waiting while you think, but it should be pretty stinkin obvious)

“How would you like it done?” This is great because it eliminates the need to find the right words to describe how you want it to look, and feel and taste! Bravo person who invented this system (if Wikipedia were working today I’d tell you their name).

What about when you order a coffee? What is the shorthand for how much milk / sugar you want?

(waiting while you think, but this could take awhile…)

Because there is no system! Come on civilization. Get your act together. Fix this! A binary yes / no doesn’t cut it. Aren’t these the kinds of things The MacArthur Foundation is supposed to throw money at? Can we have a just, verdant and peaceful world when this problem still hasn’t been solved?

Posted on January 18th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

Now that we’ve suffered through the lamest NCAA Championship game imaginable, lets turn our focus to what will surely be the BPE – Best Party Ever.

Posted on January 10th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

"If you see me, please punch me"

No Pants Subway Ride.

I don’t even know where to begin, but what I do know is adults who think they are funny doing something stupid and pretending they are acting normal is the most inane form of humor I can think of. Worse than mimes. By a lot.

(I only provide the link in case you aren’t familiar with it. Not because I expect you to enjoy it)

Posted on January 9th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

I love the Hose. You guys are like family to me. Which is why I feel I need to come clean about something. I haven’t been completely honest with you, or myself. For a while I’ve known this about myself, but I’ve never really told anyone. But it’s time. There’s no hiding it any longer. Some of you may have suspected, and it’s true….

MORE after the jump…

Posted on January 9th, 2012 Filed in: Life Tags:

1. Build business. Earn respect. Earn billions. Become mayor

2. Do this

3. Start over. But stay billionaire

Posted on December 31st, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags:

"I want to eat your head off"

This is a wolf-dog, which is exactly what it sounds like – half wolf, half dog. It was found wandering around Brooklyn yesterday.

According to this article these things are dangerous (makes sense) and illegal to own in most states (also makes sense). What this article also says, however, is that there are estimated to be between 300,000 and 500,000 wolf-dogs in the United States.

KillerB calls BS.

By my highly accurate and scientific number crunching, this would suggest that about 1 in every 350 homes has a wolf-dog. I’ve been in a lot of homes, but I’ve never seen a wolf-dog. So it can’t be right. Case closed.

Posted on December 28th, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags:

As you may have heard, on December 31 we say goodbye (adios, sayonara, auf wiedersehen, do svidanja) to producing 100 watt incandescent light bulbs. I’m not sure what the genesis of this policy is, but let’s assume it is part of Obama’s Big Government Super-Regulation Socialism Jobs Killing War on Christmas platform.

Anyway – the Good Gravy part is this: only 10-15% of the energy put into a 100 watt light bulb is emitted as light. The other 85-90% comes off as heat! Good Gravy. They should call it a heat bulb!

This, I also learned, is what allows an Easy Bake Oven to actually cook things (like disgusting brownies). So, if you’re planning on doing you’re Super Bowl party cooking in an Easy Bake Oven, don’t forget to stock up on light bulbs.

Posted on December 28th, 2011 Filed in: Politics/Economics Tags:

You Know Me Better Than My Family

Umm, thanks Amazon, but I’m all set in the “Enema Bag and Bucket” department.

Also, I assume this is because I ordered that juicer about 14 months ago, never mind the kabillion things I’ved ordered since then. How about recommending some golf balls? Or some new kitchen knives? Or maybe a video game for my nephew? Or anything except a bucket to crap into!!!

And for anyone who knows anything about this, why does an enema set need a bucket? Doesn’t a toilet suffice?

Posted on December 17th, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags:

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday – my mom who was on her way to buy an iPhone and told me:

• She wanted an iPhone that could take pictures
• She wanted an iPhone that could send AND receive text messages
• She has heard of apps, but needed to know if she had to buy them at the Verizon store at the time of purchase? Or could she decide to get them later?

My mind sufficiently blown, she then asked me if this was better than a Palm Pilot, at which point I searched the recesses of my brain to remind myself just what a Palm Pilot was. Are people still using these things? I remember I had a co-worker about 4 years ago who talked about her Palm Pre (?) like it was a gift from God. Until yesterday, I can’t remember hearing Palm anything in the past few years.

(I hope Palm didn’t contract Mesothelioma from asbestos exposure)

Posted on November 21st, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags:

Posted on November 10th, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags:

Well, Author, I hope you are right. That would be sweet. Maseratis for everyone! But I’m afraid Technician may have a point.

Posted on November 3rd, 2011 Filed in: Life Tags: